by Linda D Tillman, PhD
 mail
this story to a friend
APOLOGY AND POWER LOSS IN ASSERTIVENESS
The goal of assertiveness is to speak up
with empowerment and respect. Often the effectiveness of an assertive
interaction is diminished by the unnecessary use of apology.
In today's conversational style, the
apology has become the way many sentences begin. Such apologies take away
the power of the assertive statement that follows.
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Excuse me for living
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Often in conversations I hear people
saying, "Excuse me, but I think the opposite is true." "I'm
sorry, but I want to do it differently."
Let's look carefully at that "excuse
me" and that "I'm sorry."
In the first example, exactly what
purpose is the "excuse me" serving? Literally the speaker is
saying, "Excuse my existence, but ...... " Or "Excuse me
for thinking but, ......"
Why should the listener give any credence
to what a person says when he/she starts with "excuse me....?"
In the second sentence, "I'm
sorry..." can only be interpreted as meaning, "I apologize for
thinking, but...." Why is the speaker sorry? The sentence loses power
when it begins with an apology.
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What can you say instead?
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A powerful assertive statement is a
simple one.
In the first example, the speaker could
simply say, "I think the opposite is true." If you want to make
a gentler assertion, you can connect with the person first. "You have
really presented your viewpoint well, but I think the opposite is
true."
In the second example, all the speaker
needs to do is to say, "I understand what you want to do, but I would
like to do it differently."
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Excuse me to get attention
======================
How many times in a restaurant have you
caught the waiter's attention by saying, "Excuse me, but I haven't
gotten my soup yet."
It's perfectly OK for you to request your
soup and it isn't necessary for you to excuse yourself for asking about
it.
The use of "excuse me" in this
way implies that you think it is rude for you to ask. The soup is
something that you ordered and it is appropriate for you to question its
late arrival.
Now, if you are interrupting a
conversation between the waiter and another customer, you might say,
"Excuse me for interrupting your conversation. I haven't received my
soup yet and I've been waiting for a long time."
In this way, you are excusing yourself
for the possibly rude behavior of interrupting - not for the request for
the soup.
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How can you get attention without
"Excuse me"
=====================================
Many times waiters and salespersons wear
name tags. This allows us to get their attention by using their names,
"Valerie, I haven't gotten my soup yet." Or "Mrs. Jacobs, I
was in this line first and have been waiting to get some help from
you." If you don't have a name by which to address someone whose
attention you need, then simply say, "Sir...." or
"Ma'am....."
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When is an apology appropriate?
==========================
There are many times when an apology fits
the situation.
1. When we have hurt another person:
"I'm so sorry I stepped on your toe." "I seem to have hurt
your feelings. I apologize."
2. When we have been rude: "Excuse
me for interrupting your conversation." "Excuse me for yawning.
I am really tired tonight."
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Three steps to help you avoid
inappropriate apologies
==========================================
1. Observe your own behavior ==>Notice
how often you apologize. ==>Notice if there is really something for
which you need to be sorry or is the apology diminishing your
effectiveness?
2. Get a coach to design an action plan
with you to change this apology behavior ==>Sometimes just one or two
coaching sessions are all that you need to make such a change in your own
behavior ==>Working with a coach can point you in directions you may
not have thought of
3. Practice getting the attention of
others in as many ways as you can. ==>Get a friend to brainstorm with
you and you may come up with lots of ideas for getting attention other
than saying "Excuse me." ==>Promise yourself never to say
"Excuse me" to a waitperson again!
If you are apologizing unnecessarily, you
are demonstrating a lack of respect for yourself. You are saying that you
are sorry for your own thoughts and needs.
Speaking up for yourself is a respectful
act, both for yourself and the other person. Remove unnecessary apologies
from your speech and add respect and power to your assertive interactions.
Written by: Linda D Tillman, PhD,
Atlanta, GA USA
linda@speakupforyourself.com
http://www.speakupforyourself.com |
