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Often writers suggest there are two routes to being
stressed. Stress you bring on yourself: often manifested in the roles you
play, Mother, father, partner, entrepreneur, proprietor, CEO.
And stress others give you: the banker, the supplier,
the egotistical one, the I am right one, member of the awkward squad, the
adolescent child, the loving partner?
BUT I am suggesting there is only one route to stress:
You always give it to yourself.
We internalize what others do to us and make it mean
something. Lets have an example. Someone shouts at you or is angry at you.
Do you take the anger and deal with it as: This person is angry today. At
the moment the role s/he is playing is that of an angry person. OR do you
say this person is angry with ME I have done something to create this
anger at me. It is my fault. Now you have caused yourself stress. You have
decided, maybe subtly, to be stressed by this other person’s behaviour.
We are all responsible for our thoughts and actions and
whatever we think will affect the way we feel. So if you think you have
done something wrong you will naturally feel depressed. Let’s try an
experiment. Think of a time when you felt you did something wrong. Just
stay with it for a moment experience all that is happening around you.
Lock into those feelings.
How do you feel now? Can you see how your thoughts
affect your feelings? If you want to avoid being stressed you must start
by looking at your thoughts, identifying when you attribute a thought that
causes you stress.
Another ploy is to see other people and yourself as
performing roles. Who are you? A Webmaster, an e-commerce entrepreneur, a
mother, a father whatever role you like. Can you identify any differences
in your behaviour when playing each of these roles?
Now look at others; can you see them as playing roles.
Can you identify the role they are playing at a particular time?
Now take it one step further and look at their behaviour
as part of a role. So if they are angry that is what the role calls for at
that moment. You can rate them in your mind, Oscar performance against
amateur dramatics if you like. Also you can look at your own behaviour as
part of a role. When I am on the golf course I behave like this, when I am
shopping……… when I am the CEO I behave like…….. Or perhaps like
a number of people I have met your behaviour changes with the clothes you
wear. I know a number of police officers whose personality completely
changes the moment they put on the uniform in the locker room.
Therefore why get upset and stressed when things do not
go as you anticipated. Everyone is playing a role and that role needs that
behaviour. If you see it this way and don’t take the behaviour
personally then you will be less stressed.
If this is a new concept to you it may well feel
uncomfortable if not impossible at first but practice and see the results
on you by the end of the week. As with all things start small, practice
handling the feeling when confronted by your young child, teenage children
or partner. Just see them as the role they are performing at that moment.
Give them the love and acceptance you would normally give but instead of
returning the blows or rising to the bait just say to yourself this is
just the role they are playing at the moment it has nothing to do with me,
I am not going to internalize it and note the results.
Good luck.
Graham Harris is a writer, facilitator, trainer and
coach and can be found at www.cvspecialists.com
and graham@cvspecialists.altodigital.com.
He also studies meditation with the Brahma Kumaris World Spiritual
University
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